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Communication breakdown
Do you find sometimes that people take what you say the wrong way and not as you intended? Maybe they take offence, maybe they are critical, maybe they seem uninterested or unsupportive. Then you feel confused or even rejected. You will be tempted either to blame them or to blame yourself, or both.
The way people take whatever you say is their responsibility and will often be determined by the way they see the world, based on their past experiences: see Emotional Reactions. You can’t always predict how what you say is going to be perceived.
On the other hand, what you say and how you say it is your responsibility and you do need to look at that.
First you need to look at your intention in what you are saying, as this determines what you say and how you say it. Then you have to consider whether the other person has the same objective. Maybe you are at cross-purposes.
Often people say things simply because they want to enjoy receiving attention and often they are unaware of this. That is fine – we all need and thrive on the right kind of attention - if the person you are talking to wants to pay attention to you while you talk like this. Do they?
Sometimes people say things because they want to express their feelings. That is fine – it’s a healthy thing to do with your feelings – if the other person wants to listen to you off-loading. Do they understand that that is what you want? They may be under the misapprehension that you want them to solve your problem for you. Do you? And there’s a limit to how much expressing is healthy before it becomes self-indulgent.
Sometimes people say things because they like expressing opinions, and they want other people to agree, confirm for them that they are right in their views; or think of them as knowledgeable. That’s fine if the other person is happy to play along with this. But maybe they genuinely have a different opinion. So what’s the agenda: discussion or debate or don’t you argue with me? If you are open to discussion or debate – and they are different – don’t assume the other person is.
Sometimes people say things because they want to be understood – or so they think. But is it that you want to feel understood? That’s different. Feeling understood requires a sympathetic response and you’re not going to get that if you’re complaining to someone about what they do or say. Find someone else who agrees with you. Being understood requires communication and we haven’t got there yet.
Sometimes people say funny things because they enjoy making people laugh. That’s fine – it’s another healthy thing to do – if the things you think are funny are what the other person thinks of as funny. Do they? Maybe they think it’s a bad joke or not a joke at all or even an offensive remark. Maybe it’s at someone’s expense? Is that deliberate? That can be hilarious or cruel according to your point of view. Maybe it’s both. It depends not only on your real intention but also whom you’re talking to, where and when and who else is there. If they don’t laugh, don’t assume they don’t have their own sense of humour.
People often talk in these ways without realising what assumptions they are making. They are all different ways of expressing yourself and of getting attention and you don’t want to be worrying all the time what other people think when you do these things. But you do need to consider where and when you do them and with whom.
They are one-way communication, a bit like broadcasting. They may result in two way communication but to be sure of that you need to consider the other person: who are they, what are they like, what are you trying to communicate to them, and given all this, what would be the best way of doing that? If they don’t get the message, don’t blame them. Maybe you need to reframe your message or give it to someone else.
Good communication comes from putting what you want to say in the best way to be appreciated by the other person.
If you're uncertain, try doing some more listening first and really get to understand the person you're talking to.
