Home | Self Help | Emotional Reactions
When emotions take over
It’s a common thing and it happens to all of us that our emotional reactions to particular events can be out of all proportion to what has actually happened. But every time we think of it, we get the same strong emotional reaction for the same reason and it’s difficult to let it go. We cannot see anything else and we are convinced that this is a justified reaction to what has happened. It must be, because it is causing us to feel this way.
When this happens it usually means that the emotions are coming out of the past, because they have been triggered by the subconscious resemblance of this current event to past situations. But we are not aware of this because we only see the event that’s in front of us. A good way to test this out, when you’re really feeling these emotions strongly, is to ask yourself how old you feel.
If you get as far as recognising this, then separating the present from the past is the first step – you can remind yourself that this feeling comes from the past: ‘I am not upset for the reason I think’ is a good affirmation to use. (Lesson 5 from A Course in Miracles)
Then generate some alternative ways of looking at the present situation. It can be helpful to write down what those beliefs from the past are that generate these emotions. These beliefs amount to your own personal illusion, but you are convincing yourself it's real.
Then you can connect with where the emotions originate from and release them by expressing them verbally, by using flower remedies and tapping, going for walks while sorting it out in your mind, or talking to the inner child in you. That way you are rewiring the connections in your brain.
If you don’t do this, these situations keep occurring. We often think we’ve resolved a certain problem and then it comes back and hits us again. This is only to tell us there’s some more work to be done with it. But if we grasp the nettle and apply ourselves to it, we free ourselves of the past and grow stronger.
Taking responsibility
Alternatively we can choose to carry on seeing situations in the same way because that confirms our beliefs about ourselves and other people. Or simply because we actually like feeling this way, having a fix of this familiar feeling, however bad for us. Often we become addicted to our own emotions. (This is explained vividly in the documentary film, What the Bleep Do We Know? in a passage from 50 minutes into the film - well worth studying).
First we need to acknowledge and express the emotion, then we may also need to use some of these other tools to reduce its charge, so it has less power over us and we can be calmer and therefore able to think more rationally. But often we find the feeling still keeps coming back and we think, are we ever going to be rid of it? At this point we need to remember we have a choice. We can decide not to go there any more.
This situation is wonderfully illustrated in the often quoted poem by Portia Nelson, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.
Chapter One
i walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ...it's a habit...but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
(from There is a Hole in my Sidewalk by Portia Nelson, 1920-2001)
We need not blame ourselves, but rather we need to take responsibilty for putting ourselves in the same position again. That way, we have a choice not to. That old feeling will always be there tempting us, but we can say no, I'm not going there any more. Every time we do that, we are rewiring our brains to a different pattern, reorganising our body chemistry, and we get stronger.
The first rule to observe is the very useful adage, 'When you're in a hole, stop digging.'
When it seems that outside events are piling on the trouble, remember this story:
One day a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well was not needed any more; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then he was silent.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
(I found this story on the internet, don't know the origin.)
It's also helpful to remember the Navajo Indian saying: 'Cry three times' - after that, you start to lose your spirit; if you carry on, you're looking for either pity or revenge. Notice: it doesn't say, Don't cry, anymore than it says, Keep crying.
So what are you looking for, really?
If you are looking for pity or revenge, you'll be running your own drama. Who have you cast in the role of persecutor? Who have you chosen to be your rescuers? You're playing the victim of course, while also being the director!
If you're looking for healing, ask and you will receive.
